HSX Forum

Movies

Reply Topic List All Forums

Well written and great thoughts....but its an english essay

Posted by: eored on Feb 18, 18:44 in response to Rocket123's post How the Entertainment Industry is Lacking...

Well thought out. Sticks to an overall theme. Now I'll be the bad guy.

Here is why I'd give her a B to C, depending on the time of year and what has been taught in class, curve, etc.

1st paragraph - No definition/description of what the global entertainment industry is. Sales are "through the floor" but there is no data supporting this given. 96% to be exact....don't introduce absolutes when you don't have to or when you don't provide supporting data.

2nd-4th paragraphs - Wording issues with Star Trek. 3 years on air a flop? Also, never start a sentence with a number that isn't written out (5 television series). The McFarlane stuff....again, if you're trying to make the analogy fit the point, make it broader. I could say the daughters on all the shows are indifferent to the dad. Or the Cleveland show kid is more a pragmatist than a sadist. Absolutes can kill a debate, a point, and yes an essay.

5th paragraph should probably be seperated....unless there is a correlation drawn to blue ray and 3d theatre re-releases. She used the transition "Finally" so that should have been where the new paragraph started.

The closing....stays in the original theme and all the paragraphs led to this which is very important. Problem is I would want supporting facts when a statement like the public has started sending a message or supporting the idea of loss of revenue. Has the undefined entertainment industry dropped in profitability from year to year recently? Have the sequels, prequels and re-releases not made money or even their budgets back? Some kind of metric supporting her thesis.

There are some grammaticals, the only transition is used mid-paragraph, and you could see where she was reaching for supporting data. But its a solid essay for a freshman in high school. I'd give it a B because of the build to the point alone, but some teachers are sticklers for the aforementioned things.

How the Entertainment Industry is Lacking Creativity...essay/speech by 14 year old girl. Rocket123 Feb 18, 16:30

Your daughter misses going to the movies. Come on Rocket, that's your cue. {nm} JMT-NL Feb 18, 16:50

I know, I feel terrible about it too. I drive by the theatre from time to time to see what is showing and just am not inspired. Rocket123 Feb 18, 20:28

Most impressive. Looking forward to her follow-up essay (tongue firmly in cheek). {nm} RotoHockeyYTD2012 Feb 18, 16:50

Barney Stinson's oldest rule: New is always better! {nm} Austinmh Feb 18, 17:06

She's 14 and she wrote this? Wow. (IM) Paul2k Feb 18, 17:08

I think you and your wife did a good job teaching her to think for herself, Rocket. That essay was extremely well-written. {nm} accountant_4_Jesus Feb 18, 17:23

We encourage free thought in my house. It's the only thing people can't control. What we think is ours alone. "Analytical" is in 'da genes. {nm} Rocket123 Feb 18, 20:43

That young lady has been granted an honorary Little Sistership at Delta House. She describes deftly the reason the Deltas see approximately DTXbro Feb 18, 17:37

Thanks for the sentiment. Rocket123 Feb 18, 20:38

Very impressive! Will you let us know how the speech/essay did , meaning what grade did she receive. You should be very proud! {nm} damenchipguy Feb 18, 17:40

She did a magnificent job. Loved the essay. Now she should write about how it sucks to pay over 10 dollars to see a movie MasterofPinball1983 Feb 18, 18:00